Making a Dreamwidth Account
Aug. 31st, 2024 09:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
highpotinnooseI don't really know why I'm here. That is my usual state of being even outside of this matter of making this account, but I felt compelled to despite the fact that I have little knowledge of how this site works or what exactly I'll achieve by being here.
I think one of my main problems in general is that I'm fixated on the idea that everything I do has to 'achieve' something. Even when I tell myself that being happy is a valid acheivement goal, I still feel I've fallen short if there's not some clean-cut, indisputable gain. I don't even know if there's something one could gain by creating a Dreamwidth (outside of the obvious of an online journal to blog with, of course), so that's a double-dose of 'why am I here?' right there.
I don't even know if I'm even happy to be doing this. I certainly don't feel sad. I just feel my usual melancholy. If anything, typing this out and acknowledging it is just making the melancholy grow.
Is there satisfaction in the acknowledgement? In being able to just get the words out and have them out there in the world in a way I can't just brush aside by thinking of something else? Maybe.
This old-internet style of blogging site is unlocking nostalgia for a time where I once before kept a blog (on some other, now-extinct site) and just poured my heart out into it without shame or hesitation. Back then, I wasn't trying to acheive anything at all with the practice — I remember that clearly. I didn't really have anything to say either, back then, I just wanted to say something. Anything. I recall being a very lonely child; I didn't know what it was that people would talk to each other about for hours on end, what an individual could just monologue about to their listener for longer than I'd ever wanted to say anything. And so I made posts upon posts about nothing in particular, roleplaying as someone that had lots of conversations and thoughts that had been provoked. All to an imaginary audience.
It wasn't like I was using that blog as a personal journal or diary either. Nothing in my day to day life felt like worthwhile topics of posts. It was like I was playing dolls, playing pretend in this imaginary world that someone would read my posts, and so I wrote as a character of my own invention for the character Audience (who was also played by myself). I was trying so hard to re-enact 'normal' that I instead behaved in an exceedingly unhinged manner instead.
(Looking back, I was clearly showing signs of someone on some sort of spectrum or another. It's a pity I was perceived as 'girl' during that time when people thought only boys could have autism or ADHD.)
I like to think I've grown into a more well-adjusted person since then. I certainly know how to behave like one, at least. With this new skillset came the insistant need to 'acheive', though. I don't know if the pros outweigh the cons in this matter.
Well, now that I'm thinking about it, after writing all I've already written down for this post so far, I certainly feel a lot better than I did when I started. When I got the recommendation for this site on Tumblr, I had vague ideas in my mind of using a Dreamwidth as a place to stash fanfiction drafts or work on poetry without worrying about who might see it and criticized it on Tumblr, but maybe it'll be better for me to use it as a general journal. I usually make vent posts on Tumblr when I'm feeling down in the dumps, but that's not really the vibe I want bring to an audience, even one as tiny as what I have there. Also, it just feels depressing considering I tend to vent about the same things over and over; I don't really want my friends there to develop sympathy-decay and get fed up with me.
Not that I'd want any mutuals and friends I might make on this site to get tired of my whining either, but the style of the website really makes posting feel like a more private affair. There isn't a homepage dashboard where everyone's latest posts and reblogs are available for one to peruse like the frontpage of a newspaper; there isn't the impression that the village herald is standing in the town square hollaring out folks' information. Rather, I feel like I've set up a display stall with very sturdy walls and cabinents, and I'm sitting at a frontdesk minding my business but with clear line of sight on who might trickle in, take a browse around, and then leave again before any other visitor might come by. Make no mistake, I enjoy Tumblr, but just from the few minutes I've hand to experience Dreamwidth, this feels cozier.
So maybe this will be the journal I never really had as a child. It's certainly provoked a true introspectiveness from me that I didn't know was possible. When I'm not nudging myself to perform 'fun', it feels so much more comfortable even if it doesn't necessarily feel more joyful.
Maybe this is why I'm here.
I think one of my main problems in general is that I'm fixated on the idea that everything I do has to 'achieve' something. Even when I tell myself that being happy is a valid acheivement goal, I still feel I've fallen short if there's not some clean-cut, indisputable gain. I don't even know if there's something one could gain by creating a Dreamwidth (outside of the obvious of an online journal to blog with, of course), so that's a double-dose of 'why am I here?' right there.
I don't even know if I'm even happy to be doing this. I certainly don't feel sad. I just feel my usual melancholy. If anything, typing this out and acknowledging it is just making the melancholy grow.
Is there satisfaction in the acknowledgement? In being able to just get the words out and have them out there in the world in a way I can't just brush aside by thinking of something else? Maybe.
This old-internet style of blogging site is unlocking nostalgia for a time where I once before kept a blog (on some other, now-extinct site) and just poured my heart out into it without shame or hesitation. Back then, I wasn't trying to acheive anything at all with the practice — I remember that clearly. I didn't really have anything to say either, back then, I just wanted to say something. Anything. I recall being a very lonely child; I didn't know what it was that people would talk to each other about for hours on end, what an individual could just monologue about to their listener for longer than I'd ever wanted to say anything. And so I made posts upon posts about nothing in particular, roleplaying as someone that had lots of conversations and thoughts that had been provoked. All to an imaginary audience.
It wasn't like I was using that blog as a personal journal or diary either. Nothing in my day to day life felt like worthwhile topics of posts. It was like I was playing dolls, playing pretend in this imaginary world that someone would read my posts, and so I wrote as a character of my own invention for the character Audience (who was also played by myself). I was trying so hard to re-enact 'normal' that I instead behaved in an exceedingly unhinged manner instead.
(Looking back, I was clearly showing signs of someone on some sort of spectrum or another. It's a pity I was perceived as 'girl' during that time when people thought only boys could have autism or ADHD.)
I like to think I've grown into a more well-adjusted person since then. I certainly know how to behave like one, at least. With this new skillset came the insistant need to 'acheive', though. I don't know if the pros outweigh the cons in this matter.
Well, now that I'm thinking about it, after writing all I've already written down for this post so far, I certainly feel a lot better than I did when I started. When I got the recommendation for this site on Tumblr, I had vague ideas in my mind of using a Dreamwidth as a place to stash fanfiction drafts or work on poetry without worrying about who might see it and criticized it on Tumblr, but maybe it'll be better for me to use it as a general journal. I usually make vent posts on Tumblr when I'm feeling down in the dumps, but that's not really the vibe I want bring to an audience, even one as tiny as what I have there. Also, it just feels depressing considering I tend to vent about the same things over and over; I don't really want my friends there to develop sympathy-decay and get fed up with me.
Not that I'd want any mutuals and friends I might make on this site to get tired of my whining either, but the style of the website really makes posting feel like a more private affair. There isn't a homepage dashboard where everyone's latest posts and reblogs are available for one to peruse like the frontpage of a newspaper; there isn't the impression that the village herald is standing in the town square hollaring out folks' information. Rather, I feel like I've set up a display stall with very sturdy walls and cabinents, and I'm sitting at a frontdesk minding my business but with clear line of sight on who might trickle in, take a browse around, and then leave again before any other visitor might come by. Make no mistake, I enjoy Tumblr, but just from the few minutes I've hand to experience Dreamwidth, this feels cozier.
So maybe this will be the journal I never really had as a child. It's certainly provoked a true introspectiveness from me that I didn't know was possible. When I'm not nudging myself to perform 'fun', it feels so much more comfortable even if it doesn't necessarily feel more joyful.
Maybe this is why I'm here.
