Maybe it's because I recently went into debt for the first time in my 30+ years of my life, maybe it's because my period has finally regulated to the normal once a month like my doctor told my mother it eventually would back when I was still a teenager, or maybe it's because I'm slowly taking up hobbies again that I haven't touched since before I graduated. I feel like my life is falling into place, but at the same time I'm on the precipice of starting something I never knew I needed to do.
The debt thing has been a long time coming. I'm actually low-key impressed I managed to stave it off for so long considering I did go to college. I avoided student debt, I never bought anything unless I could pay for it upfront, and I literally don't even have a credit card. Despite the apparent handicapping of myself by never paying anything on credit, I own a townhouse in a nice suburb of Texas (that I won't be returning to anytime soon because of the state of the US, its economy atm, and the cost of international plane tickets) by the grace of my mother having bought the place in my name when she immigrated over; a two bedroom rowhouse I'm currently residing in within the countryside of Thailand; a standalone one-storey house across the road I'm currently using as a shed and garage because it needs HEAVY renovation; a little used sedan that I rarely touch since I also have a motorbike that's more practical for the area; and 5 hectares of land I've been using as a small plantation, which is also where the bulk of my income has come from. All things considered -- how a depressing amount of people nowadays need roommates to afford rent and the fact that I currently don't have a formal job -- I'm basically balling.
It's the purchase of another hectare that put me into debt; it cost me 100k baht, which is about $3k. Not a lot at all in the grand scheme, and I can certainly afford the payments without tightening my belt on any front, but it still feels monumental. At last, I, too, have a credit score. It also made me realize that I'm? A homeowner? A landowner? I don't know why it never clicked with me before, but it finally did a few days ago. The shroud of 'it's not enough, nothing will ever be enough' lifted all at once, and I'm just half-breathless from 'oh, it's actually MORE than enough.' Despite being convinced from childhood I would fall into debt early and eventually die in poverty still owing money, I'm here, and it's okay. I'll pay off the credit union in couple years with the minimum amount, and I'll still be able to eat well, indulge in hobby tools, and just . . . carry on.
I've reached the spot I was sure I would drown in as a child, but it turns out I'm taller now, and it's actually not as deep as I feared, either.
The regulation of my cycle. . . . More than just an arbitrary thing that all uterus-owners eventually get to, it feels like a milestone. It's stupid, but it makes me feel like I'm finally an adult. Something happens to others much earlier during their growth just didn't happen to me until I'm old enough to have had kids already with their own periods. There was no real reason for it, I'm perfectly healthy beyond the extra weight, it just didn't regulate as soon as standard. For a long while, it was one of those things that made me feel like everyone else around me is moving and growing just so much faster than me while I'm still this baby-faced Peter Pan still sitting at the kids' table and being called 'big sister/brother' by the younger relatives who should be calling me 'aunt/uncle' or even 'great-aunt/uncle.'
My autism and personal interests already makes me seem more childish to others, and while I was still going through a child's hormonal dysregulation, it just made me feel even more age-dysphoric. It was like everyone else was growing up except for me. And, y'know, if everyone's moving forward while I'm stuck, what would be left for me to do when I'm all alone, incapable of doing something others don't even need to think about? But just like that fear that I would eventually drown because of inevitable debt, I've finally here where I'm supposed to be; it's not too late, and I'll still be able to plod along with everyone else.
The self-contained giddiness of getting where I'm supposed to be and not being overwhelmed has made me just . . . more motivated? Well, that's not really the word for it, but I can't think of the correct word for what I'm trying to say. I actually picked up a paint brush again for the first time since high school. It's just for doing those paint-by-number DIY decoration thingies (basically glorified coloring pages), but still. I essentially ditched visual art since I started writing. Something within me decided I could either be an art+music girlie or a literature+music girlie, but it couldn't be more than two at once. The only thing I can say on my subconscious' behalf is that art is the only one of those hobbies that comes with a constant demand on the wallet. Writing is basically free as long as you have a device with a keyboard, and music really only demands a single instrument of your preference. (Not that that stopped me from splurging on instruments I didn't already have.) But now my hands are paint-stained again, there are pictures that I painted on the walls again, I'm wondering what I'll paint next again, and that . . . is something I didn't know I had missed until I found myself able to love it again.
I even picked up a violin again. I essentially abandoned my first instrument after taking up the ukulele and lyre, but now my youngest cousin's uni graduation is around the corner, and I want to be give her a congratulations gift that'll actually enrich her life, so. . . . I gave her older sister a ukulele when it was time (their parents and themselves are willing to spend on tech but not instruments for some reason), and I didn't want to give her the same thing just in case she'd feel like I was being perfunctory with her, so I decided that I'll see if I can make a violin work for her.
Obviously, a standard violin is going to work for anyone just the same as anyone else who's willing to practice, but I'm concerned that the reality of the friction tuning pegs on the violin and the risk of snapping a string and slicing her hand might prevent her from trying it out. To combat that, I purchased a cheap beginners violin and plan to attempt to install mechanical pegs like on a guitar. Should I succeed, it'll be faster and safer, and she'll be able to manage tuning on her own without an instructor constantly present to help, like I had when I was first learning.
It all just feels like progress. It makes me feel like I should be doing even more things, new things, as well. Like, just today, I watched a video about indie-web personal websites where people are just doing whatever they want on their pages, not caring about streamline aesthetics or any coherency beyond vibes. With all the bullshittery of the mainstream social sites and Discord introducing more fuckery in their policies, and more and more sites trying to optimize for ad-providers rather than user autonomy, I have this feeling of needing to run away despite the fact that I don't actually use any of those sites myself. At this point, I've basically abandoned Tumblr as well.
Really, the only social media I use regularly now is LINE, and that's because Thai people prefer to use that for calls and texting than anything else. But I still feel the need to get some space of my own; I don't even really want a personal site, but rather the concept of a digital space that's literally just my bedroom but online. I have this Dreamwidth blog, of course, but it doesn't give me the sense of a location, it feels like a page in my journal. Wonderful for what it is, but it's not exactly giving elbow-room.
I dunno, maybe the urge for a place of my own on the indie-web will pass. I certainly am not looking forward to all the coding I'd have to learn to build one. In the meantime, I'm going to keep savoring this novel feeling of progress.
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